I wasn’t sure what to expect when we got married but about a week after the ceremony, it was like a software update went wrong. Nay, it was like U2 downloaded its bullshit album without our consent. But, in this way, I guess we did consent didn’t we? We signed legal paperwork. We said the words in front of our dozen and so guests. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars.

It’s not that I don’t like U2, and the U2 album has some good rhythm to it. Probably. I don’t know, I never listened to it. It’s just come at the worst possible time — we don’t need a Bell Expressvu-era 90s Adult Pop vibe. What we could use right now is a 2008 Britney comeback moment. Let’s shave our head, throw on a midnight black synthetic wig, and challenge all our enemies with one-side umbrella duel. Gimme gimme more.

The truth is, it hasn’t really been marriage that’s been difficult. But it’s easier to blame marriage because it’s new. Seemingly, it’s the thing that’s changed in us. When in reality, we also purchased a home (at the worst time in history in one of the most expensive areas) and have been inundated with the threat of nuclear war, harmful viruses and unknown but maybe harmful vaccines, social unrest and political divide likely at the puppetry of Putin himself, as well as fire, flood, famine, and all other biblical tells of Armageddon.

It ‘aint no beaaaaaaautiful day, Bono.

But yes, we’ll continue to name our marriage as being difficult because in America, we take personal responsibility. *Insert image of a Patriot on top of a hill waving a flag in one hand, a gun in his holster, and a big mac in the other hand* (YES I KNOW WE’RE CANADIAN, BUT WE HAVE NO REFERENCES.)

Our marriage is something we are in control of, and right now, we’re not in control of much more than the prospect of selling my feet pictures online to perverts. Sorry, that’s not right. I mean: people who experience perversion from looking at feets.

So let me ask myself this: What would divorce bring? How is that an effective solution at all? Let’s cons and pros it out shall we.

Cons: We love each other deeply and we wouldn’t be together any more. No more dual income. House would have to be sold at a loss. We and our parents would be heartbroken. No more cuddles. A lot of paperwork and legal fees. Benji would be a child of another broken home and he’d blame himself. Life would be miserable.

Pros: My trauma-induced sense of humour would get a little boost.

There we have it. Since there are no real pros to getting divorced. Maybe, just maybe, ol’ brain of mine, you can consider the logic presented here. Your runaway tendencies are a result of childhood abandonment and they are not real feelings. Relax, run a bubble bath, listen to the U2 album because even though things are hard right now, you are better because you had the immense privilege of marrying the man you love, who makes you better, and who is amused by your quirks. You have a beautiful home that you’ll work hard for (for the first time in your life), and the long-term benefits will be unimaginably comforting.

This world is spinning and will continue to move forward — with or without you.